i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
