I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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