I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
