I hate all girls vehemently.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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