So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
