your parents love me but you hate me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
