i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
