I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
