so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
