I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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