I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
