I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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