did you get engaged???
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
