If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
