so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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