Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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