Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
