The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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