Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
