Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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