they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
