so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
