I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
