Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
it glows. i had to have it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
