I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
