piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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