I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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