rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
