did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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