I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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