im six kinds of drunk right now
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Randomize
