Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
