i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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