We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
