i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
