Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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