What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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