If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
