theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
