Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
