you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
