He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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