my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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