Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
