Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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