i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
