I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
