Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
