saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
