A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
