Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
