I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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