I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
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